Today's the Day.

So excited. I get to pick up Jamie from the airport in so soon. Life is good right now.

Also: today is Abby's birthday! So here for your enjoyment is a little story about Abby:

She can't do a raspberry. You know, that thing where you stick out your tongue and then blow thereby making the wet farting noise. That noise that all little 7 year olds do on the playground. She can't do that. So for the past four years we (my entry/housemates) have tried to teach her...mostly when nobody wanted to do work. Each of these lessons would end up being us sitting around the room trying to make as offensive/realistic fart noises (the uncontested champ is Jess) and giggling like little school children. The loser would always be Abby because she didn't seem to get the concept of sticking out your tongue and blowing while keeping your tongue out.

Incidentally, she also can't fake snore. She exhales instead of inhales and nothing you can do can get her to do otherwise -- it's uncanny.

So here's to Abby: for all of those nights spent laughing and wasting time making fart noises. College is that much better because of you -- although I'm sorry it couldn't teach you how to make annoying noises. Happy Birthday.

P.S. As it is her birthday...she no longer sucks.

Why Abby Sucks.

This could have been an incredible post, but it was thwarted by Abby. She is stifiling my creativity (and she calls herself an Art History major...pfft!). Just know that something good could have gone here. Real good. But ABBY won't let me put it in.

Send angry emails to her. (Send it to me and I'll forward).

...More Like SUCKbay.

In an effort to procrastinate more productively (heh), I attempted to sell some stuff on eBay. Namely, old books that I don't want to have to move come June. Little did I know that eBay charges all kinds of seller fees...it's like, 15 cents to initially put something up, 30 cents if you want to put a picture, 15 more cents if you want to put a preview picture, 30 cents if you want to put an enlarged photo up, and not to mention they get 5% of your winnings, and of course there are all sorts of other fees. Making it so that unless you're going to sell lots and lots of things, it's totally not worth it. Which is too bad, because I was starting to get all psyched at the thought of watching people pay money for my junk. Granted, it would be like $7...or $6.65 after giving that 5% to eBay...so not worth it.

Hey...anybody interested in some old books?

BOOM BOOM BOOM.

My blog is lonely on the weekends because nobody reads unless they're at work. Or trying to procrastinate. It really makes blogging lonely, when you know that nobody is actually going to read your posts for days and days...

Anyway, I got new speakers for my computer -- they're all crazy like! I can feel my music! Gone are the days when I would have to use my headphones because I couldn't stand the lame-ass laptop speakers. Here are the days when I can annoy Abby with my bass! [insert preemptive sorry Abby here]. I have definitely listened to much more than my share of cheesy pop music this week because it just sounds so good on my new speakers. Thank you Maroon 5. Thank you Jewel. Yes, I know I'm very behind in my pop music...I live in Williamstown, Mass. Also, Jamie is an indie rocker and I would never hear the end of it if I started listening to pop music regularly. Well...I'll let you in on a little secret...way back when, Jamie used to listen to the GOO GOO DOLLS. AND, he BOUGHT Jewel's poetry book. That's right. I went there.

[Turns up Intuition]. BOOM...BOOM...BOOMBOOMBOOM...BOOMBOOM!

Bill Has Been Killed...(or has he?)

Yesterday, I saw Kill Bill Vol. 2 with Jess. It was good. I know everyone who saw both Kill Bills says this, but the second one reminds me a lot more of Pulp Fiction. It was a lot more chatty. Being that I absolutely loved Pulp Fiction in high school, it is safe to say that I loved this movie too. It was definitely, deliberately slow in parts -- there is one scene where the screen is just blank for a good minute or so -- and there were also parts where Tarantino is just waving at his fans by making obvious allusions to his older movies (but I just love that kind of stuff), but all in all...great film. Go see it. Even if you didn't see the first one and are too scared to...it'll still make sense (although the ending probably won't be as resolved).

Overall Rating for Kill Bill 1: A
Overall Rating for Kill Bill 2: A/A-

Incidentally, there was a lady in front of us who kept on talking at normal volume to the people around her. While this normally would bother me a whole lot, I didn't even notice it all the time since I was really engrossed in the movie. However, there was this one time where she made some guy -- presumably her husband -- leave the theatre with her for, like, 10 or 15 minutes...thereby making him miss a crucial/climactic scene. I'm sorry...I don't care how good friends we are, or even if we are bonded by the holy bonds of matrimony: I'm not leaving the crucial, climactic scene of a movie like Kill Bill for you. Suffice to say, he was pissed that she was making him leave.

Editor-in-Grief.

I can contain myself no longer: this week Jamie is coming to visit me! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I just have to get throught this mountain of work so that I might actually have time to play with him while he's here. Still, HE'S coming! HERE! [dances].

In other news, I finally know about my schedule for this summer...and it don't sound like much fun. It's a lot of training and learning how to be a teacher, and also working on the yearbook. Last week we went to a performance by Jess' music group and I realized that the instant gratification after months of preparation and hard work is something I haven't experienced since 7th grade. I've never stood in front of an audience applauding for me, after I had performed my heart out, nor will I ever probably. The closest I will get to it, I guess, is this yearbook...which better be good. And even then, it wouldn't be people applauding or whatever, but rather complaining about their portrait, or lack of representation, or price, or...I just hope that I can look at it -- completed -- in the fall and be happy with myself.

After a meeting today, I was encouraged by the fact that out of 452 seniors, we got 441 senior portraits taken -- the most we have ever had in the 100+ years of existence of the book. I really don't think this can be right though...I would imagine in 1819 or something we could have had a whole class picture since there were only, like, 12 people in the school. Whatever, I'll take the compliment. But, I hope you eleven truants are happy.

A Mighty Snore.

Today while I was in class I had a delayed reaction. Over break (really delayed reaction), Jamie and I watched "A Mighty Wind" -- the Christopher Guest mockumentary about folk singers. Anyway, there is one character that cracks me up, and for some reason I thought about him and couldn't stop laughing. In the middle of Shakespeare. And we were talking about death.

Prof:...so after Gloucester thought he had plummeted to his death, why didn't Edgar reveal himself?
Melissa's Brain: [quoting "A Mighty Wind"] "Wha' happened??" (snicker)
Prof:...anyone?
Class: [silence]
Melissa's Brain: "I got a new red wagon!...I don't think so!" (snerk) Tee Hee!

I need more sleep. And I need to stop procrastinating and finally get to work.

Wha' happened??

Nerdular Nerdence.

I wiped out today...and by "wiped out" I mean fell down specTACularly! Luckily, I had the embarrassment factor going for me and I hardly noticed that it hurt. Now, I'm paying for it though. Somehow, I mistepped on my bad knee and it decided to just completely collapsed. I had my hands buried deep in my pockets and couldn't pull them out in time, so I fell flat on my face and banged my head. The girl who had been walking behind me freaked out because she thought I had died. We laughed about it afterwards.

P.S. New StrongBad.

Glory Be.

My iPod is back to its former glory. I don't remember if I posted about this before -- I may have been too traumatized -- but right before break I managed to somehow erase all 3,000+ songs from my iPod. It was sad. I had actually been daydreaming about listening to a wonderful mix of songs from my iPod as I drove across the country...only to erase it the night before I left for home. It was quite sad.

BUT, as I said before, my iPod is now back to its former glory. [Does a little dance].

[Scratches Head]. Someday we will run out of things to do for entertainment. Maybe someday soon.

You Would Be Bitter Too.

Another glorious day in Williamstown.

Yesterday’s test went okay. Yes, I was allowed to use scrap paper and pencils that they supplied – big sigh of relief. Since it was computerized, I was able to see my results on two of the sections (reading and mathematics) immediately after the test. I passed! And I actually did much better than I thought I did (I ran out of time in the math section…) So now all we are waiting for is the score for my writing section and my written essay (which I didn’t finish). Oh well…cross your fingers.

So the test proctor was the meanest lady ever…

Exhibit A:
Melissa: (a couple weeks ago scheduling a time for the exam and spelling her name for the record)…U…M as in “Mary”…E…Z as in “zebra”…A…
Mean Lady: CAN WE HURRY UP HERE, THERE IS A TIME LIMIT ON THIS CALL.
Melissa: …sorry. A, K, I
Mean Lady: SLOW DOWN.

Exhibit B:
Mean Lady: [looking into the testing room from behind a one-way mirror and speaking to her co-worker]…*ugh!* that kid is here again??? Can’t he just pass his test already?
The Kid: [coming out for a break] Can I have a break?
Mean Lady: How many breaks have you had??
The Kid: um…just one…
Mean Lady: Fine! But you have to hurry up! Other people have to take their tests too and they need to use the computer that you’re at!
Mean Lady: [after the kid is outside of earshot] I hate that kid!
Melissa: [cowering in waiting room].

You can bet I was super-nice and submissive when I actually had to speak to her. (I think she liked me).

Does Not Compute.

I just noticed that I'm not going to be allowed to bring scrap paper, pens, or pencils into my exam tomorrow. [Nervous laughter]. I'm taking a MATH test tommorrow and I'm not allowed to bring scrap paper. It was bad enough that we're not allowed to use calculators...but NO scrap paper. Even if I can do simple arithmetic in my head (HA!), I still like to be able to jot down my thought process so I can review it later. Plus, I'm mathematically-challenged! Don't they understand that I need to be able to write down everything in order to compute it? How am I supposed to do long division?? Decimals?? Algebra?? [Hyperventilates].

There must be a mistake. There is no way that they would allow people taking the paper version of this test to use scrap paper, but not allow that luxury for people taking the computer-version. Or maybe the computer version will be much much easier...although that would hardly be fair. Okay, now I'm scared. Hold me.

Derek Zoolander's School for Kids Who Want to Read Good (and Do Other Stuff Good Too).

I think that this blog has had a negative effect on my writing skills. Since I write the way that I think on this thing, all grammar goes to shit and sentence structure is non-existent. My loves for the period and em-dashes and semicolons are also blatantly obvious. My obsessions for the latter two began in my 11th grade English class when Mr. Bellon (Best. Teacher. Ever) said that they made sentences more fun and interesting when used correctly. Unfortunately, I don't really use them all that correctly anymore...

This wouldn't bother me (as I tend to get by) except for the fact that I'm taking a test for teacher certification tomorrow in which I will need to use proper grammar and correct sentences and the like. Me, being stupid, had been so preoccupied with the mathematics section of the exam that I hadn't even looked at the writing section until now. No worries, it's not actually a huge deal since I hadn't really studied for anything on this exam, but rather just dived right into the diagnostic exam (A SIX HOUR DIAGNOSTIC, MIND YOU). According to the diagnostic, I'll be fine in math [insert puzzlement here] and sucky in writing. Granted, I didn't take the essay-writing part of the exam because I don't want to write an essay right now...but I suck in writing! Maybe I can tell them that English wasn't my first language?

Apparently, "rainforest" is actually "rain forest". Who knew? Or is that common knowledge and I've just been spelling it wrong all my life? Now, I have to go take the reading diagnostic. I bet I don't know how to read.

Busted Brain.

It's just one of those days...after sitting through a class in which it was blatantly obvious that no one did the reading, I came home and realized that I had forgotten to write a five-pager that was due in four hours. Don't know how I forgot...it's not like I was busy doing the readings. Luckily, the paper topic was pretty straightforward and I could whip out a pleasant piece of poo with three minutes to spare. Sure, I did skip my adjudication class but...priorities, people!

My stupid brain also forgot to RSVP for the fancy pants trustee dinner tonight that I was invited to (no idea why) and now I will be eating reheated soup and studying, when I should be eating beluga caviar and dancing on rose petals (andbrownnosinglikeagoodn'toadylittlewilliamsseniorwhohaslittlefuture). Whatever. I don't want a million dollars anyway. Bah-humbug!

Doomsday Post.

A scene from class last Monday: Senior Seminar for Environmental Studies Concentration

[scene: class of ten senior concentrators and about eight prospective students – why they chose to attend a three hour class for seniors is beyond me – discussing the week’s readings on philosophy and spirituality in relation to environmental ethics. It is about one hour into the discussion.]

Professor: …so I have been having this debate with my wife for a little while now, maybe I’ll share it with the class. I have this thought that when I grow old and senial, I should be taken to a place with a large population of carnivores and left there.
Seniors: [silence]
Prospective Frosh: [mild terror]
Senior #1: Like in a coliseum?
Senior #2: Umm. Wouldn’t that hurt?
Prof: Ya…but, it’s too late for me to go down swinging in battle, and it’s probably the next most heroic way to go down. I would rather feed a pack of wolves than a bunch of microbes. At least this way I’d go through a couple more levels of the food chain.
Senior #2: But you can still feel pain!
Prof: [shrugs]
Prospective Frosh: [thinking about Amherst].

Incidentally, this was the same class that gave me the headache a couple posts ago. The dialogue above was one of the few parts of the discussion that I actually understood…if only because I sort of agree with my prof. Although, I’d rather not be fed alive to wild animals…I’m more of a shallow-grave-in-the-woods (post-death) type of person.

That was morbid. Sorry.

My “Kill Bill” DVD came today. While I lack the time to actually watch it, I did watch the first scene (which I had missed when I saw it originally), which contained a vital piece of information. Let’s see how long I can hold off of watching the whole thing…

Did you notice that since Schwarzenegger (or however you spell his name) became the governor of California we had fire, ice storms, mudslides, floods, and now this? Someone is pissed…or trying to keep me out of Cali…or at least Los Angeles.

Overall, this post was a downer. But here’s something I just found that is somewhat uplifting…I know Jamie will appreciate it since he’s critical of the illegal (although environment preserving!) nature of mp3s, and so addicted to music. Incidentally, I also found out that in order to be a “carbon-neutral” citizen, I just need to plant 30 trees! I have racked up nine so far…although seven of those were TreePeople trees where I had other people helping me so I guess all of those should just count as two trees. Still…I’m on my way. [Points green thumb] Are you? [/end lecture].

B'oh.

You know how in movies there are sometimes those scenes where the hero has just lost the girl and is walking down some rainy street -- down on himself because nothing seems to be going his way -- when all of the sudden, as if some greater being is poking fun at him, some taxi cab goes whooshing by and splashes a mud puddle into his face?

Ya. That actually just happened to me. It wasn't a taxi cab though...it was some HUGE truck. And I hadn't lost the girl, I was just walking back from my parking space which is actually over a mile away. In the rain. I lose.

"Oh no! Now you're doing a hip-hop dance on my head."

New StrongBad (sort of).

My brain actually hurts from sitting in class today. I'm just not cut out for philosophical, religious discussions. It was interesting though...I think.

In other news, I just sliced into my pineapple. It was yummy, and now I have a big bowl of fresh, ripe, sweet, juicy, pineapple in the fridge. Life is good. Even though my brain still hurts.

You know what I noticed though? During the class -- as I got more and more puzzled (it's a three hour class) -- my headache got worse and worse. But, as my headache worsened, I noticed that my vision was getting better. Normally I'm almost blind (even with the contacts on). By the end of class I could see every clearly and even read the calendar off the wall across the room. It was great! I guess my eye muscles were tired and stopped pulling my lenses so tightly...or whatever function it is that makes people near-sighted.

Ow. Stupid brain. Get out of here Nebulaan.

Two, Four, Six, Eight! Let's Help Me Procrastinate!

One might wonder why I am posting again. To those people I would answer: "it is because I was recently made aware that people actually read this thing, when I got, not one, but two (!) emails telling me to update." Joy. Nothing like other people's need for procrastination pushing me to procrastinate!

In other news: I'm starting to get bored with my blog design. It crossed my mind to find another service which might allow me to post pictures and other diversions. But then I would have to pay. Granted it's only like, $5 a month...but I shouldn't have to pay to procrastinate. Especially when there are such fun things like this (thanks Gittes) or this (thanks Marina) which I can play for free. As an aside, try to beat my penguin score of 2300 (I got it on my second try, and have never been able to get remotely close again).

Another reason that I shouldn't upgrade -- the aforementioned lack of funds and (probably) internet next year.

[cries].

Will Work for DSL.

Today while I was (not) doing my reading, I began to think about next year. Next year I will be broke. I will not have the comfort of free heating and energy, and *gasp* high-speed internet.

This actually worries me a lot. My brother is a fossil (he just had a birthday) and he went to school before the internet was mainstream. There was no email. There was no StrongBad. There was just tons and tons of lameness. Me, on the other hand, depend on email and the internet...I can't fathom life without them.

Would it be bad if I cut "corners" and not have a phone line or television or heat (or food) so that I can afford high-speed internet? This bodes poorly for my unborn children.

Disturbed.

As you may or may not know, I have picked up knitting again. I figured, what with all the driving across the country and all, I should have something semi-productive to do in the car. So I did. And I made some hats and some scarves. I also got really really far (like, two rows away from finishing) a bag before realizing that I had fucked up majorly on the first row and had to tear the whole thing apart. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I gave it to my mom to tear up. It was sad.

ANYWAY, the real reason that I bring this up is because I just stumbled upon something really really disturbing. This design for a hat. It is disturbing for a number of reasons:

1. LOOK AT IT. It is hideous.

2. People are expected to pay $30 for said hat. In fact, not actually the hat, but the yarn and instructions for how to MAKE the hat. Thus, in actuality, after hours of toil you will get a butt-ugly hat that won't even look as straight and clean as the one in the picture.

3. This is the most horrifying of them all. IT'S OUT OF STOCK. Meaning people actually have paid $30! And there are small children running around with butt-ugly headware.

Why should someone pay $130 to make this sweater? If I was going to spend the time to freaking make myself a sweater, I would expect to save money. I agree that knitting has therapeutic functions...and there is such a good rush when you finish something...but I'm sticking to cheap-o yarn and free patterns. And running far far away from cornea-damaging cardigans.

I conclude that knitting makes people go blind. Maybe I should stop since I'm blind already.

Wet Cement.

Am I a bad person for thinking this is hilarious? Yeah. I probably shouldn’t have gone there.

…

How about this one?

I just ate a lot of applesauce. Now I feel kind of sick. Have you ever read “Matilda” by Roald Dahl? Do you remember the part of the book when the mean ol’ principal (who would vault children across the playground by their pigtails) – Ms. Trunchbull (?) – ordered a boy to eat an entire chocolate cake in front of the school? And he was scared! But then everyone started cheering him on! And then he began eating faster! And then he finished! And Ms. Trunchbull was so mad that she thwacked him on the head with the cake platter! But he was so full of chocolate cake that it bounced off of him as if he were a bag of wet cement! And everyone cheered for him! Yay for Matilda!!! Anyway, I’m like that boy, except instead of chocolate cake, I’m full of Mott’s Unsweetened Applesauce.

Now I can see that Roald Dahl was a little weird. But creative.