"I only work four days a month".

Today, in my Psych of Law class, I learned that PMS is a legitimate excuse for assaulting an officer. Our last topic of the year has been the use of the insanity defense in the courtroom, and apparently there is precedence for women to use PMS as a kind of "insanity defense". Apparently, the first case of this in the U.S. was sometime in the last decade:

A woman was driving home from a party after having had too many drinks. Incidentally, she also had her two children in the car. A traffic cop stopped her for her erratic driving, and when the officer came up to the window he noticed a strong odor of alcohol. He asked the woman for her driver's license and registration -- which she refused to give him. She pointed out that she was a doctor and did not deserve to be treated in this "disrespectful manner". She then slapped his hand away instead of giving him her information. When he asked her to get out of the car and put her hands on her head (in order to administer a field sobriety test) she kicked him in the groin. She then began to berate him further, using foul language and citing once again that she was a doctor. Eventually, the officer was able to get her to take a breathalyzer test and found that she was, indeed, driving under the influence.

In court, the woman contested that she was PMS-ing and therefore was highly irritable. She also had another doctor testify that alcohol is all wonky during that particular part of the menstrual cycle (true). Based on this, she was found not guilty of assault and drunk driving. To which I say: whatever. I don't care if PMS does make you more susceptible to the negative effects of alcohol -- she's a doctor, she should know that and not drink as much and then get in a car with her children and drive. WHATEVER.

While I know that some people are much more affected by PMS than others -- it should not really excuse people from assault! All those people who assault others in crimes of passion are probably "irritable" also since they might have just found their spouse in bed with somebody else. Even people suffering from premenstraul dysphoric disorder (PMDD) -- which is basically PMS x 100 -- would hopefully know about their disorder by the time they have kids and would know that they shouldn't consume alcohol.

Bah! Incidentally, another interesting fact: did you know that of the crimes committed by women 39% AND 40% (for a grand total of 79%) of the crimes were committed while they were PMS-ing? A significant difference! The cycles were divided into four stages so the random distribution should have been 25% across the board...

Still, I would like to think that I don't get irritable so much as emotional during those four days of the month.

Recycled Books.

It's as if The Powers That Be actually read my blog. Now I can sell my books without stupid user fees. Thank you Williams student with lots and lots of time on your hands! (Or possibly -- and more likely -- just an overachieving busy one).

How Do You Get Lots of Women to Smell Lots of Sweaty T-Shirts?

...say it's in the name of science.

So I’m sick...and it’s Jamie’s fault. In high school, we used to think that we were immuned to one another: I would get sick and he would spend all this time with me and inevitably come in contact with my sick germs but never get sick himself. I have since learned that he is immuned to me...but unfortunately, I am not immuned to him. * COUGH *

This talk of illness and smelling brains reminded me of a conversation I had with a prof sometime last year. He had just been to some kind of conference where they had been discussing the role of immune systems in human attraction. Interesting stuff!

As we’ve known for a long long time, smell plays a significant role in mate attraction. But, what people find attractive varies from person to person. Apparently, what shapes odor preference is actually one’s own immune system – thus, people will think someone with a very different immune system (with fewer overlaps to one’s own immunities) is more attractive.

So in some study, they put women in a room with t-shirts that had been worn by different men. Of course, the women were given an unworn t-shirt to smell first (a control). Then they went around and smelled all the shirts and chose which ones they thought smelled the “sexiest” or most pleasant. On the whole, women chose the t-shirts belonging to men who’s major histocompatibility complex varied the most from their own. Evolutionarily-speaking it makes sense since that means their progeny will be invincible in their smelliness.

I guess that means that I’m not at all attracted to Jamie, since I get sick when he is sick (meaning we both lack the immunity), but that he’s attracted to me (since, things that make me sick – he’s immune to). Or wait, do I have that backwards? Now, I’m confused.

Perhaps this theory is beans and all my bio friends can set me straight. In the meantime...I think it’s sorta cool.

Mmm...Brains...

So, as you know, Jamie came to visit me this past weekend. Consequently, I was pretty much giddy all weekend. What I didn't count on was Jamie being just plain weird. For example:

[Subjects are sitting around just hanging out]

Jamie: [sticks nose into Melissa's ear]
Melissa: WHAT are you DOING??
Jamie: I like to smell your brains.

Weird.

Comped Compy.

When I was little, my dad would come home from his fancy-pants doctor's conference with bags full of goodies that pharmaceutical and insurance companies would shower upon the attending doctors. These goodies included mountains of pens, notepads, band-aids, desk blotters, calendars, CDs, and a random assortment of things. Of course, all of the goodies would have the company's name written all over it -- once I walked through an airport before realizing that the bag I was using had "Vagisil" written in large letters across it and once I even went to school with a pencil pouch from a company that made hemmoroid cream. Still, it was worth the oodles of good stuff. The reason I bring this up now, is because my dad was given a free computer this week...like, a real Dell computer with a real flat-panel display. Also, multiple gigahertzes (spelling?) on a Pentium 4 processor. Oh, and a new laser printer.

Do you think they give these kinds of goodies to poverty-stricken elementary school teachers? Only time will tell.

[Holds Floppy Wrist in the Air After a Swished Field Goal (basketball not football)]

COUNT IT! Looks like somebody went and got himself all nerdified.

Drew of "Rudy, Rudy" fame will be a marvelous addition to your evening procrastination routine...but I have to admit that I am a little worried. After all, his life is much more interesting than mine and I may lose my following (of three). But, he is getting married in a month. Oh, and he's moving. And, he has a job that involves sitting at a computer a lot and interacting with frantic college students and staff (I'm actually not sure about that, but I needed a third). In sum, he meets all the requirements of having a great blog. All I can say is: vaya con Dios, Drewie. Do me proud.

Rudy! Rudy!

Whoa... with great power comes great responsibility. I have been given access to the blog by Melissa, and now I'm not sure if I'm ready to accept the challenge... I mean, the relative anonymity of making comments was fun, but now I very well could become the subject of comments. Let the wise-cracking and heckling begin! [nervous laugh]

It seems that every blog post has to include either a funny antecedent, or a self-depreciating story. And while my pummeling of Jamie at Madden Football tonight (ending his 3-0 streak, not to mention his tyrannical reign) was satisfying, I'm not sure it qualifies as amusing... or embarrassing (although I am a 24-year-old with an X-Box). Rather, I look at it as a return to power and exertion of my hegemony.

[cheering crowd: "Rudy! Rudy!"]

In closing, I'd like to express my dislike of telephone interviews. I had one today, and was constantly feeling the need to explicitly tell the interviewers on the other end when I was finished answering. Instead, I just sort of kept mumbling...
kind of like now.... feeling uncomfortable....

End-of-post.

Today's the Day.

So excited. I get to pick up Jamie from the airport in so soon. Life is good right now.

Also: today is Abby's birthday! So here for your enjoyment is a little story about Abby:

She can't do a raspberry. You know, that thing where you stick out your tongue and then blow thereby making the wet farting noise. That noise that all little 7 year olds do on the playground. She can't do that. So for the past four years we (my entry/housemates) have tried to teach her...mostly when nobody wanted to do work. Each of these lessons would end up being us sitting around the room trying to make as offensive/realistic fart noises (the uncontested champ is Jess) and giggling like little school children. The loser would always be Abby because she didn't seem to get the concept of sticking out your tongue and blowing while keeping your tongue out.

Incidentally, she also can't fake snore. She exhales instead of inhales and nothing you can do can get her to do otherwise -- it's uncanny.

So here's to Abby: for all of those nights spent laughing and wasting time making fart noises. College is that much better because of you -- although I'm sorry it couldn't teach you how to make annoying noises. Happy Birthday.

P.S. As it is her birthday...she no longer sucks.

Why Abby Sucks.

This could have been an incredible post, but it was thwarted by Abby. She is stifiling my creativity (and she calls herself an Art History major...pfft!). Just know that something good could have gone here. Real good. But ABBY won't let me put it in.

Send angry emails to her. (Send it to me and I'll forward).

...More Like SUCKbay.

In an effort to procrastinate more productively (heh), I attempted to sell some stuff on eBay. Namely, old books that I don't want to have to move come June. Little did I know that eBay charges all kinds of seller fees...it's like, 15 cents to initially put something up, 30 cents if you want to put a picture, 15 more cents if you want to put a preview picture, 30 cents if you want to put an enlarged photo up, and not to mention they get 5% of your winnings, and of course there are all sorts of other fees. Making it so that unless you're going to sell lots and lots of things, it's totally not worth it. Which is too bad, because I was starting to get all psyched at the thought of watching people pay money for my junk. Granted, it would be like $7...or $6.65 after giving that 5% to eBay...so not worth it.

Hey...anybody interested in some old books?

BOOM BOOM BOOM.

My blog is lonely on the weekends because nobody reads unless they're at work. Or trying to procrastinate. It really makes blogging lonely, when you know that nobody is actually going to read your posts for days and days...

Anyway, I got new speakers for my computer -- they're all crazy like! I can feel my music! Gone are the days when I would have to use my headphones because I couldn't stand the lame-ass laptop speakers. Here are the days when I can annoy Abby with my bass! [insert preemptive sorry Abby here]. I have definitely listened to much more than my share of cheesy pop music this week because it just sounds so good on my new speakers. Thank you Maroon 5. Thank you Jewel. Yes, I know I'm very behind in my pop music...I live in Williamstown, Mass. Also, Jamie is an indie rocker and I would never hear the end of it if I started listening to pop music regularly. Well...I'll let you in on a little secret...way back when, Jamie used to listen to the GOO GOO DOLLS. AND, he BOUGHT Jewel's poetry book. That's right. I went there.

[Turns up Intuition]. BOOM...BOOM...BOOMBOOMBOOM...BOOMBOOM!

Bill Has Been Killed...(or has he?)

Yesterday, I saw Kill Bill Vol. 2 with Jess. It was good. I know everyone who saw both Kill Bills says this, but the second one reminds me a lot more of Pulp Fiction. It was a lot more chatty. Being that I absolutely loved Pulp Fiction in high school, it is safe to say that I loved this movie too. It was definitely, deliberately slow in parts -- there is one scene where the screen is just blank for a good minute or so -- and there were also parts where Tarantino is just waving at his fans by making obvious allusions to his older movies (but I just love that kind of stuff), but all in all...great film. Go see it. Even if you didn't see the first one and are too scared to...it'll still make sense (although the ending probably won't be as resolved).

Overall Rating for Kill Bill 1: A
Overall Rating for Kill Bill 2: A/A-

Incidentally, there was a lady in front of us who kept on talking at normal volume to the people around her. While this normally would bother me a whole lot, I didn't even notice it all the time since I was really engrossed in the movie. However, there was this one time where she made some guy -- presumably her husband -- leave the theatre with her for, like, 10 or 15 minutes...thereby making him miss a crucial/climactic scene. I'm sorry...I don't care how good friends we are, or even if we are bonded by the holy bonds of matrimony: I'm not leaving the crucial, climactic scene of a movie like Kill Bill for you. Suffice to say, he was pissed that she was making him leave.

Editor-in-Grief.

I can contain myself no longer: this week Jamie is coming to visit me! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I just have to get throught this mountain of work so that I might actually have time to play with him while he's here. Still, HE'S coming! HERE! [dances].

In other news, I finally know about my schedule for this summer...and it don't sound like much fun. It's a lot of training and learning how to be a teacher, and also working on the yearbook. Last week we went to a performance by Jess' music group and I realized that the instant gratification after months of preparation and hard work is something I haven't experienced since 7th grade. I've never stood in front of an audience applauding for me, after I had performed my heart out, nor will I ever probably. The closest I will get to it, I guess, is this yearbook...which better be good. And even then, it wouldn't be people applauding or whatever, but rather complaining about their portrait, or lack of representation, or price, or...I just hope that I can look at it -- completed -- in the fall and be happy with myself.

After a meeting today, I was encouraged by the fact that out of 452 seniors, we got 441 senior portraits taken -- the most we have ever had in the 100+ years of existence of the book. I really don't think this can be right though...I would imagine in 1819 or something we could have had a whole class picture since there were only, like, 12 people in the school. Whatever, I'll take the compliment. But, I hope you eleven truants are happy.

A Mighty Snore.

Today while I was in class I had a delayed reaction. Over break (really delayed reaction), Jamie and I watched "A Mighty Wind" -- the Christopher Guest mockumentary about folk singers. Anyway, there is one character that cracks me up, and for some reason I thought about him and couldn't stop laughing. In the middle of Shakespeare. And we were talking about death.

Prof:...so after Gloucester thought he had plummeted to his death, why didn't Edgar reveal himself?
Melissa's Brain: [quoting "A Mighty Wind"] "Wha' happened??" (snicker)
Prof:...anyone?
Class: [silence]
Melissa's Brain: "I got a new red wagon!...I don't think so!" (snerk) Tee Hee!

I need more sleep. And I need to stop procrastinating and finally get to work.

Wha' happened??

Nerdular Nerdence.

I wiped out today...and by "wiped out" I mean fell down specTACularly! Luckily, I had the embarrassment factor going for me and I hardly noticed that it hurt. Now, I'm paying for it though. Somehow, I mistepped on my bad knee and it decided to just completely collapsed. I had my hands buried deep in my pockets and couldn't pull them out in time, so I fell flat on my face and banged my head. The girl who had been walking behind me freaked out because she thought I had died. We laughed about it afterwards.

P.S. New StrongBad.

Glory Be.

My iPod is back to its former glory. I don't remember if I posted about this before -- I may have been too traumatized -- but right before break I managed to somehow erase all 3,000+ songs from my iPod. It was sad. I had actually been daydreaming about listening to a wonderful mix of songs from my iPod as I drove across the country...only to erase it the night before I left for home. It was quite sad.

BUT, as I said before, my iPod is now back to its former glory. [Does a little dance].

[Scratches Head]. Someday we will run out of things to do for entertainment. Maybe someday soon.

You Would Be Bitter Too.

Another glorious day in Williamstown.

Yesterday’s test went okay. Yes, I was allowed to use scrap paper and pencils that they supplied – big sigh of relief. Since it was computerized, I was able to see my results on two of the sections (reading and mathematics) immediately after the test. I passed! And I actually did much better than I thought I did (I ran out of time in the math section…) So now all we are waiting for is the score for my writing section and my written essay (which I didn’t finish). Oh well…cross your fingers.

So the test proctor was the meanest lady ever…

Exhibit A:
Melissa: (a couple weeks ago scheduling a time for the exam and spelling her name for the record)…U…M as in “Mary”…E…Z as in “zebra”…A…
Mean Lady: CAN WE HURRY UP HERE, THERE IS A TIME LIMIT ON THIS CALL.
Melissa: …sorry. A, K, I
Mean Lady: SLOW DOWN.

Exhibit B:
Mean Lady: [looking into the testing room from behind a one-way mirror and speaking to her co-worker]…*ugh!* that kid is here again??? Can’t he just pass his test already?
The Kid: [coming out for a break] Can I have a break?
Mean Lady: How many breaks have you had??
The Kid: um…just one…
Mean Lady: Fine! But you have to hurry up! Other people have to take their tests too and they need to use the computer that you’re at!
Mean Lady: [after the kid is outside of earshot] I hate that kid!
Melissa: [cowering in waiting room].

You can bet I was super-nice and submissive when I actually had to speak to her. (I think she liked me).

Does Not Compute.

I just noticed that I'm not going to be allowed to bring scrap paper, pens, or pencils into my exam tomorrow. [Nervous laughter]. I'm taking a MATH test tommorrow and I'm not allowed to bring scrap paper. It was bad enough that we're not allowed to use calculators...but NO scrap paper. Even if I can do simple arithmetic in my head (HA!), I still like to be able to jot down my thought process so I can review it later. Plus, I'm mathematically-challenged! Don't they understand that I need to be able to write down everything in order to compute it? How am I supposed to do long division?? Decimals?? Algebra?? [Hyperventilates].

There must be a mistake. There is no way that they would allow people taking the paper version of this test to use scrap paper, but not allow that luxury for people taking the computer-version. Or maybe the computer version will be much much easier...although that would hardly be fair. Okay, now I'm scared. Hold me.

Derek Zoolander's School for Kids Who Want to Read Good (and Do Other Stuff Good Too).

I think that this blog has had a negative effect on my writing skills. Since I write the way that I think on this thing, all grammar goes to shit and sentence structure is non-existent. My loves for the period and em-dashes and semicolons are also blatantly obvious. My obsessions for the latter two began in my 11th grade English class when Mr. Bellon (Best. Teacher. Ever) said that they made sentences more fun and interesting when used correctly. Unfortunately, I don't really use them all that correctly anymore...

This wouldn't bother me (as I tend to get by) except for the fact that I'm taking a test for teacher certification tomorrow in which I will need to use proper grammar and correct sentences and the like. Me, being stupid, had been so preoccupied with the mathematics section of the exam that I hadn't even looked at the writing section until now. No worries, it's not actually a huge deal since I hadn't really studied for anything on this exam, but rather just dived right into the diagnostic exam (A SIX HOUR DIAGNOSTIC, MIND YOU). According to the diagnostic, I'll be fine in math [insert puzzlement here] and sucky in writing. Granted, I didn't take the essay-writing part of the exam because I don't want to write an essay right now...but I suck in writing! Maybe I can tell them that English wasn't my first language?

Apparently, "rainforest" is actually "rain forest". Who knew? Or is that common knowledge and I've just been spelling it wrong all my life? Now, I have to go take the reading diagnostic. I bet I don't know how to read.

Busted Brain.

It's just one of those days...after sitting through a class in which it was blatantly obvious that no one did the reading, I came home and realized that I had forgotten to write a five-pager that was due in four hours. Don't know how I forgot...it's not like I was busy doing the readings. Luckily, the paper topic was pretty straightforward and I could whip out a pleasant piece of poo with three minutes to spare. Sure, I did skip my adjudication class but...priorities, people!

My stupid brain also forgot to RSVP for the fancy pants trustee dinner tonight that I was invited to (no idea why) and now I will be eating reheated soup and studying, when I should be eating beluga caviar and dancing on rose petals (andbrownnosinglikeagoodn'toadylittlewilliamsseniorwhohaslittlefuture). Whatever. I don't want a million dollars anyway. Bah-humbug!

Doomsday Post.

A scene from class last Monday: Senior Seminar for Environmental Studies Concentration

[scene: class of ten senior concentrators and about eight prospective students – why they chose to attend a three hour class for seniors is beyond me – discussing the week’s readings on philosophy and spirituality in relation to environmental ethics. It is about one hour into the discussion.]

Professor: …so I have been having this debate with my wife for a little while now, maybe I’ll share it with the class. I have this thought that when I grow old and senial, I should be taken to a place with a large population of carnivores and left there.
Seniors: [silence]
Prospective Frosh: [mild terror]
Senior #1: Like in a coliseum?
Senior #2: Umm. Wouldn’t that hurt?
Prof: Ya…but, it’s too late for me to go down swinging in battle, and it’s probably the next most heroic way to go down. I would rather feed a pack of wolves than a bunch of microbes. At least this way I’d go through a couple more levels of the food chain.
Senior #2: But you can still feel pain!
Prof: [shrugs]
Prospective Frosh: [thinking about Amherst].

Incidentally, this was the same class that gave me the headache a couple posts ago. The dialogue above was one of the few parts of the discussion that I actually understood…if only because I sort of agree with my prof. Although, I’d rather not be fed alive to wild animals…I’m more of a shallow-grave-in-the-woods (post-death) type of person.

That was morbid. Sorry.

My “Kill Bill” DVD came today. While I lack the time to actually watch it, I did watch the first scene (which I had missed when I saw it originally), which contained a vital piece of information. Let’s see how long I can hold off of watching the whole thing…

Did you notice that since Schwarzenegger (or however you spell his name) became the governor of California we had fire, ice storms, mudslides, floods, and now this? Someone is pissed…or trying to keep me out of Cali…or at least Los Angeles.

Overall, this post was a downer. But here’s something I just found that is somewhat uplifting…I know Jamie will appreciate it since he’s critical of the illegal (although environment preserving!) nature of mp3s, and so addicted to music. Incidentally, I also found out that in order to be a “carbon-neutral” citizen, I just need to plant 30 trees! I have racked up nine so far…although seven of those were TreePeople trees where I had other people helping me so I guess all of those should just count as two trees. Still…I’m on my way. [Points green thumb] Are you? [/end lecture].

B'oh.

You know how in movies there are sometimes those scenes where the hero has just lost the girl and is walking down some rainy street -- down on himself because nothing seems to be going his way -- when all of the sudden, as if some greater being is poking fun at him, some taxi cab goes whooshing by and splashes a mud puddle into his face?

Ya. That actually just happened to me. It wasn't a taxi cab though...it was some HUGE truck. And I hadn't lost the girl, I was just walking back from my parking space which is actually over a mile away. In the rain. I lose.

"Oh no! Now you're doing a hip-hop dance on my head."

New StrongBad (sort of).

My brain actually hurts from sitting in class today. I'm just not cut out for philosophical, religious discussions. It was interesting though...I think.

In other news, I just sliced into my pineapple. It was yummy, and now I have a big bowl of fresh, ripe, sweet, juicy, pineapple in the fridge. Life is good. Even though my brain still hurts.

You know what I noticed though? During the class -- as I got more and more puzzled (it's a three hour class) -- my headache got worse and worse. But, as my headache worsened, I noticed that my vision was getting better. Normally I'm almost blind (even with the contacts on). By the end of class I could see every clearly and even read the calendar off the wall across the room. It was great! I guess my eye muscles were tired and stopped pulling my lenses so tightly...or whatever function it is that makes people near-sighted.

Ow. Stupid brain. Get out of here Nebulaan.

Two, Four, Six, Eight! Let's Help Me Procrastinate!

One might wonder why I am posting again. To those people I would answer: "it is because I was recently made aware that people actually read this thing, when I got, not one, but two (!) emails telling me to update." Joy. Nothing like other people's need for procrastination pushing me to procrastinate!

In other news: I'm starting to get bored with my blog design. It crossed my mind to find another service which might allow me to post pictures and other diversions. But then I would have to pay. Granted it's only like, $5 a month...but I shouldn't have to pay to procrastinate. Especially when there are such fun things like this (thanks Gittes) or this (thanks Marina) which I can play for free. As an aside, try to beat my penguin score of 2300 (I got it on my second try, and have never been able to get remotely close again).

Another reason that I shouldn't upgrade -- the aforementioned lack of funds and (probably) internet next year.

[cries].

Will Work for DSL.

Today while I was (not) doing my reading, I began to think about next year. Next year I will be broke. I will not have the comfort of free heating and energy, and *gasp* high-speed internet.

This actually worries me a lot. My brother is a fossil (he just had a birthday) and he went to school before the internet was mainstream. There was no email. There was no StrongBad. There was just tons and tons of lameness. Me, on the other hand, depend on email and the internet...I can't fathom life without them.

Would it be bad if I cut "corners" and not have a phone line or television or heat (or food) so that I can afford high-speed internet? This bodes poorly for my unborn children.

Disturbed.

As you may or may not know, I have picked up knitting again. I figured, what with all the driving across the country and all, I should have something semi-productive to do in the car. So I did. And I made some hats and some scarves. I also got really really far (like, two rows away from finishing) a bag before realizing that I had fucked up majorly on the first row and had to tear the whole thing apart. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I gave it to my mom to tear up. It was sad.

ANYWAY, the real reason that I bring this up is because I just stumbled upon something really really disturbing. This design for a hat. It is disturbing for a number of reasons:

1. LOOK AT IT. It is hideous.

2. People are expected to pay $30 for said hat. In fact, not actually the hat, but the yarn and instructions for how to MAKE the hat. Thus, in actuality, after hours of toil you will get a butt-ugly hat that won't even look as straight and clean as the one in the picture.

3. This is the most horrifying of them all. IT'S OUT OF STOCK. Meaning people actually have paid $30! And there are small children running around with butt-ugly headware.

Why should someone pay $130 to make this sweater? If I was going to spend the time to freaking make myself a sweater, I would expect to save money. I agree that knitting has therapeutic functions...and there is such a good rush when you finish something...but I'm sticking to cheap-o yarn and free patterns. And running far far away from cornea-damaging cardigans.

I conclude that knitting makes people go blind. Maybe I should stop since I'm blind already.

Wet Cement.

Am I a bad person for thinking this is hilarious? Yeah. I probably shouldn’t have gone there.

…

How about this one?

I just ate a lot of applesauce. Now I feel kind of sick. Have you ever read “Matilda” by Roald Dahl? Do you remember the part of the book when the mean ol’ principal (who would vault children across the playground by their pigtails) – Ms. Trunchbull (?) – ordered a boy to eat an entire chocolate cake in front of the school? And he was scared! But then everyone started cheering him on! And then he began eating faster! And then he finished! And Ms. Trunchbull was so mad that she thwacked him on the head with the cake platter! But he was so full of chocolate cake that it bounced off of him as if he were a bag of wet cement! And everyone cheered for him! Yay for Matilda!!! Anyway, I’m like that boy, except instead of chocolate cake, I’m full of Mott’s Unsweetened Applesauce.

Now I can see that Roald Dahl was a little weird. But creative.

Why??

Eyeball Jewelry. There can be no good explanation.

More later...

"Stop Looking at Me Swan".

Today I wanted to see The O.C. The prospect of seeing The O.C. made me arguably giddy. I had missed the last two episodes of said show, and was determined to watch it tonight. I made sure to be out of my meetings in time, brought my knitting to the living room, and parked myself in front of the t.v. at 8:30pm. Yes, I even watched part of American Idol in order to make sure that I did not miss The O.C.

Perhaps now you can understand why I wanted to jam my knitting needle into my temple when this came on instead. I could only watch the first five minutes of the show before become horrified at the premise of the show. (In actuality, I could not change the channel right away for being completely frozen and traumatized at seeing the opening sequence which included gorey pictures). Instead of Seth Cohen's quirky and oh-so-wonderful witticisms, I got "average" women who were so dissatisfied by the way that they looked that they wanted to undergo 3 months of hell (read: liposuction, boob jobs, facial reconstruction, and tummy tucking) on national television so that they could ultimately compete in a "beauty" pageant.

The farthest I want to go in reality makeover shows is Queer Eye, thank you very much.

Needless to say, I was actually productive between 9 and 10pm today. Go figure.

No More Spinny Cups.

Spring Break is almost over. Therefore, I now have more time in which to post...read: more time in which it's either work or blog (in which case I will almost always choose blog). Here's a quick, but selective recap of my break.

Jamie, Jamie's friend from Carleton, and I went to Disneyland. It has been many years since I have been to Disneyland, and while it was very fun and quite a happy place, it was a little bit sadder than I remember. It's not that I "grew up" and am no longer the child filled with wonder. The last time I went to Disneyland I was something like 17...it was more that Disneyland has become much more liability-focused. Consequently, many of the rides had been dumbed down: Star Tours didn't cause any whiplash -- in fact, it was more like I was in a swivel chair and somebody was jerking me around a little bit -- the Mad Hatter's teacups no longer spun on their own axis (I guess someone had complained about that), and the little rocket ships only went half as high as before. It's a sad, sad world when the teacups don't spin.

Also, some guy started yelling at his kid (maybe brother) who couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old, for peeing in his pants at the outdoor restaurant. Yes it's a little inconvenient -- but yelling at a four year old about peeing his pants and further embarrasing him in a public place is never good. Now some poor little kid's happy memories of Disneyland are forever tarnished. Way to go stupid dad/brother. Not to mention, I'm sure the Disney "Cast Members" (aka: Staff) are really used to cleaning up pee and it probably wasn't too huge a deal for them. They had a system and within two minutes everything was sterilized and clean again.

Then, my parents and I began our drive across the country. It was actually pretty great. I loved being able to see all of those cities and places in the middle of the country: saw Denver, Omaha, Des Moines, Chicago...um, Buffalo. Throughout the whole middle there, I felt very asian as everyone would stare at me and my family whenever we entered a restaurant in some small town. One woman I met outside the bathroom could not understand how I was from the U.S. and not from China. It was a little surreal.

We left last Sunday...made a stop in Vegas...and continued on our way. We actually got to Williamstown a day and half early. Neener neener neener to all those naysayers. Of course, now we have nothing to do...

Me and Julio Down on the Reservation.

Got home on Thursday night. Went to a concert of Jamie's on Friday night. It was great except that the way that the seating worked out, the entire front row was made up of Jamie fans. This may sound nice in theory, but in reality I think it might have freaked people out. I was a little freaked out that my parents came to show their support for the Jamester, but it was all very sweet too. The singing group was nice -- well done Carleton Singers!

The family also went to the beach house for the weekend. So I drove us there, but when I got there I my dad told me to keep driving...and driving...and stopping at a rest stop...and driving...and driving...until we got to an INDIAN RESERVATION. First of all, I had no idea that there were Indian reservations so close to the coast. I had always thought the government had set aside the very worst pieces of land for cultivating or what-have-you in Utah for Indian reservations. Second of all, my parents are both GAMBLORS. But we knew this.

So yes. We went to an Indian casino. Which was an experience. My parents had thought that Jamie was going to come to the beach house with us, and so had planned to spend the evening in the casinos so that Jamie and I can have some alone time. When they found out that he was going to sit this trip out, my mom had already had her heart set on spending some time with the penny machines. Normally, I might be a little offended, but then I thought that I will be spending 124 hours with this woman while driving across the country (have I mentioned that I was doing that? Expect some very panicked blogs) and so, what's the big deal if she'd rather spend some time with a slot machine.

I came out on top in the end, profitting about $50. I have yet to lose in a casino. Yeah, baby. But, the most exciting part of my night came when I noticed that Julio Iglesias was planning on singing in the showroom later this month. While I'm not going to shell out $70 to see Julio (nor would I really shell out $10), it was still nice to know that he was still alive. I seriously thought he was no more.

On another note, looking back at my last post I realize that I had already kind of screwed myself over for the night (what with the papers and all). May I just say that that probably ended up being one of the sadder (of many sad) all-nighters in my time at Williams. At around 2am I got a phone call telling me I had a last-minute meeting the next morning at 7am. Also, the papers I turned in were really really REALLY poor. Also, I hadn't packed by the time I had left for class the next day. Hooray for sleeping on the plane.

Smelly Pants.

While I'm all for the environment and composting -- big fan here -- I do have a problem with it festering outside my window. Yes, it's only Tuesday nights...but today it's especially horrid. Like, bile and vomit horrid. To compensate, I sprayed my room with some Lysol that I had in my apartment this summer and now I can't stop thinking about this summer. It's true what they say about smell being the more powerful senses when it comes to memory. Well, I guess my dad did spray MY MATTRESS with the stuff so it was sort of all over and overwhelming.

Guess who has a couple papers that she has no desire to write. I'll give you a hint: she likes long walks on the beach and smells like Lysol (Mountain Spring) and detritus...

w00t!

Just got out of my last Selection Committee meeting ever! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! No more ten til two in the morning meetings...no more Hopkins 401. Let the drinkage of the Selection Committee keg begin.

Save the Pinata.

I've been meaning to link people to these videos since they're pretty great...but I wanted to wait for a lull in the posting. My personal favorites are the Nintendo one, the Nutrigrain one, and the Budweiser one. Enjoy.

Anyway, the test yesterday wasn't too horrible, although I don't know if I managed to pass. I don't remember anything from my elementary education. Way to go Mirman. I totally don't have a handle on explorers, the French Revolution, or Eurasia. The most exciting part was when Abby's car decided not to after getting gas during our 20-minute break. With five minutes left on the clock we managed to push the car to safety and jog back in time. Wahoo for standardized test madness. It was almost like that time sophomore year that I got to my AP Spanish exam 20 minutes late because I couldn't find a place to park my car.

The car ended up being okay...after waiting an hour for Triple AAA, and having AAA futz around with the battery for a good forty minutes afterwards. Nothing really worked and the guy was getting really frustrated when we found this teensy-tiny little switch hanging down by the passenger seat floor. Apparently it was a security system of the "flip-this-switch-and-your-car-will-play-dead" variety. We flipped it and the car started. And we were on our merry way. No idea how the switch got flipped in the first place, nor what it was doing on the floor by the passenger seat but no matter.

As soon as we got home I took a monster nap for about an hour...only to wake up with a migraine. I seriously thought I would die. But I didn't. (Yay).

I'll Learn Those Kids Good.

It is much too early in the morning. But, after a mere three hours of sleep last night off I go to Albany to take my Praxis II's. Wish me luck. Expect a full report when I get back -- which sadly, is several hours from now.

Bum BUM.

Study Break.

So when I first heard that they were releasing yet another "Batman" movie, I rolled my eyes and got annoyed. Because, OF COURSE what the world needs is another campy Batman flick. However, the cast has left me somewhat perplexed. They're actually respectable, good, actors...why would they sign on? Am I the only one who thinks that "Batman Forever" was pretty crappy? Still they managed to get:

Michael Caine -- who was nominated (and won, I believe) an Oscar a couple years back for Cider House Rules. Although he did do Goldmember in that time so maybe his standards aren't all that high...

Gary Oldman -- who's awesome. AWESOME.

Katie Holmes -- who I have to sort of like because of my love for DC (sorry Jess). But, to tell you the truth, I actually do respect her movie choices/performances ("Ice Storm", "Wonder Boys", "Pieces of April").

Ken Watanabe -- who I have never actually seen in a film but got nominated for his role in "The Last Samurai" this last year

MORGAN FREEMAN -- who I am going to marry because he is the best actor ever. No one can play pensive, wise, sad, old man better than him. And I have no idea what he's doing in a Batman movie but I'm gonna trust that he knows what he is doing.

Liam Neeson -- who I sort of have a crush on after "Love Actually". He's so tall!

Christian Bale -- who I definitely have a crush on after "Newsies". Incidentally, he's going to play Batman. I wouldn't have thought of him in the Batman role...but then again, I guess the theme of this post is: what the hell are these actors doing in a Batman movie?

Who would have thought that the same character (Batman) could be played by Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale?? Not me.

Last, the guy who is directing also directed "Memento" -- which I really liked...in some twisted, f-ed up way. Anyway, I'm still scratching my head about this one...

The Return of the King.

It appears that I was too eager to express my surprise and awe of a news story when I posted that water had been found on Mars. Something bigger has come along. Much Bigger.

Yes, that's right: "The Family Guy" is coming back to television. Not that I ever watched it while it was actually "on" television...my obsession with the show came with its cancellation and subsequent release on DVD and (shhhhhhhhhh!) even some bootlegging via the Network. However, to show my full support of this show I am now going to purchase a DVD box set...and you should too. This show is that good. Let me explain:

This show is comparable to "The Simpsons". While it may not have sparked the cultural craze that "The Simpsons" did in its prime, I definitely have many more laugh-out-loud moments per episode with Family Guy. It's genius. It combines all the best attributes of various pop cartoons: the pop culture references of the Simpsons, the movie/television parodies of "The Critic" and a general lack of good taste and plethora of offensive humor. This show was made for me. You wanna fight about it? Make my day and comment.

P.S. And by "King" I mean Stewie.

Mission to Mars.

Whoa. Apparently, there is evidence that Mars used to have water on it. That sort of blows my mind. I say "sort of" because my mind is currently in a state of mush due to lack of sleep and excess of work. Also, after my bout with the stomach flu I think I may now have strep throat. I'm gonna go to the Health Center later today so they can stuff that oversized Q-tip down my throat. But, in the meantime: water on Mars. Whoa.

Woot.

Sweet Jebus it's a new Teen Girl Squad.

Also, it is 54 degrees outside. Life is good again.

Leap!

Last night I learned a valuable lesson about the stomach flu: it is not wise to drink copious amounts of alcohol after spending 36 hours not being able to eat or drink anything. I think it amplifies the whole hangover thing. On the other hand, it had been a nice long while since I had actually gotten hungover -- it was nice to see that I still could.

Anyway, last night was our 100 Days (until graduation) dance. It was awesome to see all the seniors in one place. Fun times were had by all.

Also, I wanted to wish everyone a happy leap year on this, the superflous day of the leap year. I decided to spend this extra day, sitting in an 8 hour Selection Committee meeting (no joke). Joy. I get to write my paper after my meeting at 2am tonight. Score.

Boot-ilicious.

I am not well. I feel a major bout of boot coming along and I'm not looking forward to it. While I have yet to boot tonight, I can already foresee 24 hours of major unpleasantness in my future. Damn you stomach flu!

Send me love.

Hey!

I'm trying to see the administration's point of view in this...but I'm just not getting it. But, I do think that the kid will have an amusing story to put under that "Have you ever been suspended from school? If so, please explain" question that is on most college applications. He'll be the kid who got suspended for three days because he said "hey!".

Although, the guy writing the article is kind of a jerkface about it.

Funnily enough, after seeing Kill Bill (in which Uma battles droves of these guys) on Saturday, we are gonna start learning about the yakuza (Japanese Mafia) in my "Processes of Adjudication" class this week. I [heart] senior spring. Big time.

The Return of Mr. Tarantino.

Yesterday I saw "Kill Bill Vol. 1" with Jess for free in Bronfman. I must say that it was pretty kick ass. I was really hesitant going in since it was notoriously gory...and I'm not generally a fan of Kung Fu movies. However, I was a big fan of "Pulp Fiction" and had heard rave critical reviews and incredible things about this movie. Plus, it was free.

Holycrap it was good. Mr. Tarantino (and I'm sure the censors played a small part) was merciful and stylized the film so that all the really gory stuff was not as bad as it could have been. So, in scenes where limbs were being lopped off and eyeballs were being yanked out the film would be black and white. Traumatic massacres were anime. Decapitations and spearings were accompanied by overly dramatic fountains of blood that reminded me of an SNL skit I saw once upon a time. I'd like to think that blood does not spew out so profusely when a limb is chopped off.

The only problem was that Jess and I got there a few minutes late and I feel we missed a crucial part of the story. Like, what exactly Uma Thurman is avenging. Yes, I could gather that Bill killed her husband and her unborn child and tried to kill her, but I never grasped why. Someone enlighten me. For now, I'll just assume that she used to work for Bill, but decided to quit and start a new life, but he didn't like that. Like in that show, "Alias". Wait, I've never watched "Alias" so I can't really make that comparison. Never mind.

The best part about watching Kill Bill Vol. 1 yesterday, was that I am now crazy excited to see Vol. 2 which is actually coming out really soon. Yay for not having to wait.

Ooo! I also wanted to say that I watched "The OC" last week and liked it! Yay for an amusing episode! I love Peter Gallagher! So. Much.

Overall Grade for Kill Bill: A
Overall Grade for OC: A


Edited to add: I just watched the trailer for Kill Bill and found that my conjectures about Uma and Bill's respective motives was pretty accurate. Sweet.

Head over Heels.

You know what I hate. When I have to wake up from my nap, get out of the comfort of my bed, and then brave the cold to get to a meeting, only to have the person I'm supposed to meet with not show up. BOO on lame people.

Also, boo on meetings that start at 11pm. Also, boo on meetings that are over 3 hours long.

On the plus side, I got my lovely new shoes yesterday. I finally caved and spent money on real shoes -- not flip-flops, or the cheap kind. I bought comfy, cloggy, birkenstocky-mold-to-your-feet, shoes. And I love them...it's like I'm walking on clouds. Mmmmmm...cushy.

Does Anyone Actually LIKE Valentine's Day?

As promised, here is a longer post. I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as of late...it's been a hectic week. Not with academics mind you, but everything else. However, this weekend looks like it will be devoted to those academics that I had been neglecting. Damn.

Whatever. It's Valentine's Day weekend and once again I will be spending it "single" and lame. Despite the fact that Jamie and I have been together for six Valentine's Days, only two of those have actually been spent together within the same 1,000 mile radius. Jamie, it's not too late to fulfill my fantasy of coming home to find you here...I'd be really surprised. Really. You'd better get on that. Did you know that Jamie and I got together in 1998? Weirdness.

Hey! In the spirit of Valentine's Day, read this. WHY is this in the Boston Globe?

Hey Ya.

You will get a real blog soon...but in the meantime, be content with this.

(I swear it's not porn or an ad for a sextoy).

Bad Ass.

Today I fell on my ass in a big way. My whole right cheek is purple. It's really very sad.

I don't understand how it can be so warm (by "so warm" I mean in the low 30s -- dammit) and yet there is SO much ice on the ground. Seriously, it's like an ice skating rink outside. And the porch steps are lethal. I (and my ass) are not happy right now.

Speaking of asses: check out the streaker ice sculpture at Carleton College if you are Drew. The ass on that thing is modeled after our very own Jamie. Jamie's ass won his group second place. Go team.

Classes continue to be fine. I realized that while this should be a relatively easy semester academically, it's going to suck activitywise. We had our Selection Committee scheduling meeting Thursday night and I now have meetings from 11-2am every school night except for Wednesdays which is from 12-3am. There are even some lovely days where I will be in selection committee for, like, 6 hours. Boy howdy am I looking forward to those!

Also, the first deadline passed with only three of twenty-four completed spreads -- those being mine of course. Right about now I loathe Jason for making me editor. I'm so bad at making people do their work. How am I supposed to tell people to be responsible when I am a total mess. Did you know that I slept through TWO meetings this morning when I forgot to turn on my alarm and slept 'til 10? I made it to the third one though. Who on earth made me a teacher??

"Desperation: It's the World's Worst Cologne."

I figured I hadn't had a movie quote as a title in a long while. It was about time. Hey, if anyone is up to looking in the archives and testing their Melissa/Pop culture prowess try and name all the movies from which I got my quotes. Shouldn't be to hard if you know my taste in movies at all. There'll be a prize. Also, you can use the fancy pants "Email Me!" function! Wee!

Anyway, did you know that people actually pay for imaginary girlfriends?? Amazing.

My first class of spring semester was pretty nice. It's with a prof. I really like. Also, he mentioned that he's bringing in a polygraph lie detector and a hypnotist to class at some point this semester (the class is Psych and the Law). I love being a second semester senior. Let's see if I still love being a second semester senior after my second class of the day.

The Beginning of the End.

Today is the first day of my last semester here at Williams. Scary.

It's also quite a day as I will be running around like a chicken with its head cut off going to classes and running errands. Wish me luck.

Q: What's Big and White and Gets Melissa Home from the Airport in Record Time?

A: Not her cab.

In fact, it took close to two hours to get home from the airport last night. Lots of snow. And our driver almost hit a poor dog. Also, today Brendan almost stepped on a poor mouse in Baxter Hall. But that's totally unrelated.

Anyway, I noticed that my blogging frequency correlates strongly with the amount of work I have. Except, it doesn't go the way you'd think it would: the more work I have, the more often I blog. It just goes to show the extent to which I want to procrastinate. Since I'm starting classes tomorrow, you can look forward to some more updates.

You may have noticed that keen new "Email Me!" function...that is courtesy of Drew. Let's all thank Drew. Thanks Drew. Use it -- although I can't promise that I will write you back right away...

Last, I have to say that I don't actually "hate" Carleton. In fact, I had a lovely time there this weekend. Highlights definitely included hearing that people used to tell Drew that he looked like Rudy from "Rudy" and learning how to jumpstart a car on the way to the airport. Oh, and having my Thai food stolen.

I Hate Carleton.

Last night, Jamie and I ventured out to Minneapolis to visit Drew and Meredith. It was a lovely evening consisting of dinner and a movie: thai food and Big Fish. The movie was great -- fun and "heartwarming" (I use the quotes because its such a cliche way to describe a movie). My only complaint was that we were a little late for it, and had to sit in the third row. Albert Finney is not meant to be seen that close up. Well, at least not anymore.

My other complaint for the night surrounds the food. Fear not Drew and Meredith, the food was scrumptaculous, it was more what happened to my leftovers. They made the journey back to Carleton with me and were placed lovingly in the house fridge. Today, after studying in the library with Jamie and various other errands, I was looking forward to heating up some Pad Thai lovin' and curling up on the couch. Unfortunately, some unnamed, mean, big doody-head of a Carleton student ate it before I got there.

BIG PARTY FOUL. To make matters worse they had not eaten it all, but rather left the container opened and uneaten in the trash can -- as if to mock me in my lack of thai-foodness.

Everyone in this house except for Jamie is now on my shitlist. Unfortunately, Jamie is the one who is going to bear the brunt of my poutyness and all-around bitching and moaning. Ain't life grand?

Pad Thai thief...whoever you are...I hope that the MSG gave you indigestion.

Overall scores:
Big Fish: A-
Albert Finney's Third Chin: B+
Thai Food Thief: F-
Carleton: (aka: sanctuary for stealers of thai food) D+

"Vivo en la capital".

My hands are little frozen blocks of ice with little frozen fingers. I apologize ahead of time for any typos -- it's not worth the effort to delete at this point. I'm in Jamie's room while he's at class, and I feel like a dog that has been locked in the car with the windows cracked open: left to freeze with its little pink tongue frozen to the window. I will stop complaining about the cold now.

Earlier this morning Jamie and I went to "convocation" to hear a Carleton alum speak. He created and stars in three television shows -- two aiming at kids, and all of which are animal shows. He showed clips of his first low-budget attempts at a documentary as a college student and some of his newer material. It was good times. But, it made me realize how lame I am. Here was a guy that loved his job, got to travel around the world, doing so much good by educating kids while protecting precious animals in the process, and who managed to raise $1.2 million towards creating a safe habitat for the grizzly bear. And he's not THAT much older than I.

Couple this with the fact that I have classmates searching for a cure for AIDS, opening restaurants, and who are touring colleges to speak...and it all comes down to: I'm lame.

And cold.

I said I wouldn't go there, but I did anyway. I'm so bad.

Today, my cousin is getting married. I just realized that I could have possibly made it to Peru in time for the wedding. I'm a bad bad cousin.

The Land O' Lakes.

I know I have been complaining a lot about Massachusetts being cold...but JEBUS is Minnesota cold.

And this computer is old and crappy. I will post later -- when I have access to a less infuriating machine...

Groan.

It's much too early. Especially when a really loud snow plow goes back and forth in front of my window from 4 through 5:30am. Sleep did not happy until the sun came up this morning.

Today? IS GONNA SUCK.

The "paper" I wrote last night? TOTALLY DOES SUCK.

So do conferences calls for work at 8am.

"I rule".

No reason to post other than to say that I'm done with the paper. It's crap. But it's ten pages of crap -- woot.

That actually may be a new record for me -- 10 pages in under three hours...part of me is scared that I will wake up tomorrow and read this drivel and realize that it only made sense to me because I was still slightly drunk when I wrote it.

We'll see...

Drew Hates Ice Sculptures!

Losing steam here. Page 8.

In other news: I'm going to visit Jamie in, like, 40 hours! How exciting. This means that I will be seeing 50% of the people who read this blog in less than two days! That 50% being Drew and Jamie. Score!

Let me recount a short incident from my last visit with Jamie and Drew around this time.

Melissa, Jamie, Drew, and Meredith: [walking around and enjoying the abundance of ice sculpture at some ice sculpture-fest in Minneapolis]
Drew: I wonder what will happen if I touch one...[touches nearby ice sculpture].
Ice Sculpture: ...
IS: ...[teeter-teeter-TOTTER]
M, J, D, and Mer: !!!
M, J, and Mer: [running away]
Nearby, Fellow, Ice Sculpture Enjoyers: [gasp!]
D: [saves ice sculpture and replaces it]...[sidesteps away]
NFISE: [dirty looks]

Drew, I do believe we have a hot date on Saturday. I will kick your butt in Madden. And by "I will kick your butt in Madden", I mean: "I will watch you kick Jamie's butt in Madden". Also, I want you to knock over another ice sculpture. Seriously, I do. Also, I'm bringing the digital camera so I'm expecting some zaniness.

Okay back to work. Dear Lord please let me pass this class.

Update.

So my compy decided to erase all that I had written before of my paper (only 3 pages) so I had to start from scratch at 1am. That makes me mad.

The good news is that Jamie was a dick to me about being drunk and irresponsible which led me to be all mad and sober up. And immediately write five pages to prove him wrong. Take that.

Five more pages to go.

Tonight I Joined a Secret Frat.

Sadly, I joined said secret frat instead of working on my 10-page paper. CRY. So let's figure this out:

- I have 10 pages to write.
- Due tomorrow at 1pm
- Unrelated meeting tomorrow morning at 8:15am
- Driving to the courthouse at 12pm...
- ...for a mock trial in which I am participating as a key witness
- I am slightly drunk
- I am mostly screwed

Lesson for tonight: When people tell you to drink from the jug of wine handcuffed to Dan's wrist -- don't do it. So. Sleepy.

Outlook is not good for this paper.

P.S. I'm not really in a secret frat...it was just the theme of the kickass party.

Not That Kind of Package...Perv.

I don't know how it happened, but I have a 10-page paper to write for Wednesday. I still have no idea what it's supposed to be on. Wah wah.

Anyway, today I got a package. It was an undergarment that I had purchased through Victoria's Secret Online (I had a coupon). So it arrived today, and the girl working in the mailroom was totally feeling up the little baggy (as you know, most undergarments aren't fragile) to see what it was.

I'm not one to lecture on etiquette, but isn't it not cool to feel up other people's packages?

Doomed to Mediocrity.

(Spelling, anyone?)

I was looking at the "2003 Bloggie" nominees, and I have decided that my blog will never be the stuff of greatness -- it is forever doomed to be mediocre. From what I saw, here are the ingredients for a great blog:

1. Be married or engaged. This way, you always have something to talk about. You can talk about how your husband farts in his sleep or how he said something uncharacteristically chauvanistic or whatever. If you're engaged you can always talk about the planning of the wedding (which will almost always be wacky and unpredictable).

2. Be unemployed or have a job with so little responsibility that you can spend hours looking for random news and weird stories on the internet (See #3).

3. Find and link to random news and weird stories on the internet.

4. Have a dog that you treat like a child. A spoiled, rotten child. (This is not to be confused with actually having a child: that makes you not have time for #3 and otherwise boring since you would rather sleep than upkeep a stupid blog. There are exceptions -- see #5).

5. Be pregnant. This makes you wacky and unpredictable and brings hours of fun as you complain about those people who touch your belly or make stupid comments to your pregnant ass. Also, if you're employed you will probably take some maternity leave to relax at home, put your feet up...andsurfthenetandupdateyourblog (see #2 and 3).

6. Take pictures and put them on your blog.

7. Be willing to candidly talk about your bowel movements and other such taboo items.


Here is my answer to the requirements:

1. Nope. And wouldn't do it for the sake of a blog. I will, however talk about the friends and boyfriend (to their chagrin, I'm sure).

2. I'm a student. There is as much responsibility in that as you decide to put into it. As you can see my the past two months -- that's very little. I should be okay on this front.

3. Here is my entry for today: www.audi-oh.com. (Thanks Abby).

4. You all know that I would be happy to oblige the Blog-Gods on this one.

5. No. Although rest assured, I will complain if anyone touches my belly (pregnant or not).

6. ...and pay for this service? No.

7. In person we can talk about whatever you desire. Trust me, my goal in life is to be that sex expert on the Oxygen network. But, as long as my brother and who knows who else is reading this blog, I draw the line at pointing you towards weird, scary, sex toys (see #3).

Gotta go to a meeting (a DEATH meeting).

Hacked.

I'm actually running out the door, but figured I would update. I can't check my email right now and it's driving me insane. So instead of pulling out all of my hair: I blog. Apparently, some hacker-type managed to get into our network and access a bunch of email accounts and whatnot. They decided to close down those accounts that were affected. Of course, I'm included among those. Of course. Moral of that story is: you can never be sure if this is really "Melissa" updating these blogs or some savvy hacker who has stolen her identity. Actually, my life isn't very interesting and I'm sure the little hacker guy quickly moved on from my non-credit card number containing emails.

I watched another episode of "The OC" last night. While better than the last episode, I still don't really see what all the fuss is about. However, the previews for the next new episode was intriguing...er, at least what I saw of it since a bunch of my housemates came into the room at that point and I couldn't really hear what was going on. Dammit. Maybe I will watch next week's "classic" episode and see an episode that people generally think is good. I really do like the "Seth Cohen" guy. Good acting on Adam Brody's part.

Can anyone tell me how I know "Oliver"? I know I have seen him somewhere else, but I can't put my finger on it. First one to tell me is a superstar. Oh wait, just looked him up, and it turns out he was on "The DC". He played a younger version of Pacey. He was blonde then so that's why I didn't recognize him. ACK! Why are all new actors and actresses ("starlets" if you will) younger than me?? WTF?? Did you know that Keira Knightley is 18?? Whatever. Britney Spears is still older than me...by a day.

Well, now I am more partial to watching this show because of its connection to my dear Pacey. Although, it does look like young Pacey is going to be blowing his brains out soon. That kind of sucks.

You know what else sucks? The fact that I am now late for my meeting. Thanks guys.

Puppy Love.

Sorry about the lack of bloggage. I suck sometimes, but what can you do?

So today I was drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper and I noticed the new contest they're having. The grand prize is to be in a Nintendo game. I'm having trouble understanding the appeal of being caricatured and being the object of some new, overpriced (unless on eBay), video game. Not to mention the fact that you would probably just be an "extra" in the video game...although a video game featuring me about my life would be such the best seller. The purpose of it would be for me to get a puppy. Obviously.

Speaking of which, I had the BEST dream the other night. I have always had this fantasy (still do) that I would come home from some horrible, terrible, no-good, bad day and when I opened my door to my room there would be a little puppy waiting for me on my bed because some kind soul decided to surprise me. So anyway, in this dream, IT HAPPENED. And I knew it was just a dream but it didn't matter because I had a puppy and I just carried it around everywhere and we went to a museum and then it took a big dump that was twice its size. And then we got lost in the museum but I didn't care because I had my puppy for companionship. What a great dream.

Did you know that you could buy a puppy online? They actually ship the puppy to you! I worry a bit about that.

Edited to Add: How lucky are those kids to have not one, not two, but a plethora of puppies?? Lastly, damn are those puppies expensive...are they magic puppies?

The Return of the Comment

Finally it is done. And all I had to do this whole time was check my email. Apparently, the service I was using before went under, but not before transferring all my account information to some other service. Sweetness.

After all the trouble I went through for that you all better write me stuff. Seriously folks.

Today is a yearbook day. Also known as a super-nerd day. I'm going to be stuck here until my eyes are dried open. Would it be bad of me to stop being editor??

"Really Really Ridiculously Good-Looking"

Still no comment-posting. Boo.

Today I saw "Along Came Polly". While it had potential to be a great comedy, it was still pretty good. I love Ben Stiller. I love Hank Azaria. I also like it when Alec Baldwin plays skeevy old men. Also, some side characters were putting on "Jesus Christ Superstar" which has a special place in my heart right now since Jamie's directing it over at Carleton. I appreciated the coincidence.

Overall score for "Along Came Polly": B+

In other news, it's warming up over here! It's now 16 degrees! Wee! (kill me please).

@&*%!

I just completely futzed my blog trying to program a new commenting thingie. It's unfortunate that I am not more skilled in blogging artistry. So, this is just a test -- hopefully below this will be a little commenting option...if not...then I will change the title to @&*%!

The People Have Spoken.

Due to lack of comment option, I will respond to emails about "The O.C." here: I am giving it another chance. It better impress me next week. But, I did get not one, not two, but four emails telling me that Wednesday's episode was a "uncharacteristically bad" and "stinky caca-episode".

For my one class this month (it's Winter Study -- the most wonderful time of the year) I'm taking a course that pairs us up with a social worker or attorney or someone otherwise involved in the Juvenile Court system. Since I am going to be teaching in the low-income community of Baltimore next year -- wait, did I even mention that before?? I'm teaching in BALTIMORE next year -- I figured it would be interesting to pair up with a social worker and get an idea of what I might be able to expect. Not that Pittsfield, MA are all that similar to Baltimore, MD but...

Anyway, I sort of want to strangle the guy I was paired up with. He is the epitome of the sad story of someone who may have started the job with optimism and the desire to fix things, but who has long since resigned himself -- thereby dragging down the children under his care. This is a direct quote (I had my journal with me and wrote it down when he left the room): "You'll find that lots of these kids are so bad that you need to stick 'em in jail for a little bit -- let them have their food taken away from someone bigger, let them get assaulted while behind bars -- just so they try to be better once they're out."

So that's "rehabilitation". And these are the people that are supposed to be looking out for the children of Pittsfield. Now I'm all worked up...I'm going to make some tea. Back later with update.

Still freaking cold over here.

Yesterday I finally watched "The O.C.", I was a bit disappointed because it was not nearly as good as everyone made it out to be, nor was it as good as it sounded on the recaps. I think I'm just much too annoyed by Mischa Barton (or however you spell her name). I will give it another chance though -- mostly because I like Peter Gallagher in it. Also Adam Brody.

In other news, I'm really annoyed that the comment option has disappeared for what seems like good. No more witticisms from Drew. It has truly left a vacant place in my heart. I'm working on finding a new system for that -- but my "Google-ing" skills are limited and all I can find are people's blog sites. Also, my little mood indicator is gone. Sadness (if it were there I would be a sad face).

Lastly, my Beirut skills are gone. Completely. This is not cool people.

An Open Letter to Williamstown.

Dear Billytown,

Can I call you "Billytown"? Actually I don't care what you would prefer because yoooou stink like an ELEPHANT'S BUTT! What is this "high of -5" crap?? You can take your purple mountains and your New England autumns and shove them up your behind. Not happy here Billy.

Cheers,
Disrguntled and Cold in the Berkshires.

------------

Seriously folks, it's COLD here. I was also thinking about writing an open letter to the guy who invented that ad for Disarrono describing its "warm, sexual taste". That's just nasty.

On another note, I met a New England "Magic: The Gathering" champion last night. He goes to Williams! While I myself never played magic in my youth -- although once I was traumatized when someone thought I was when I brought Tarot cards to school in 8th grade -- people I know and love were once avid fans of the geeky pasttime so I thought I would share this incredible news.

"Your Head A Splode!"

It's like Strong Bad read my mind. Good one this week. Check it out. (I spent way too much time playing the 3D one with the floating head.

Feeling less crap today.

[Nose Honk].

I am not well. My head is going to explode into a goopy mess. Also, the fact that it's freakin' sub-zero temperatures outside doesn't make me feel any better. However, I think this cold can only get better so...

I am now going to confess a love for a new show. The interesting thing is that I haven't actually watched an episode of this show -- only read the recaps -- but somehow I am now addicted. I have reached a new low, people. The show is "The O.C." and it had been recommended to me by so many people people that I finally caved and looked into it. It was described as "Dawson's Creek" but actually good. Of course I started reading the recaps when I was most vulnerable (during finals) and holycrap I read every episode so far. Still haven't managed to find time to actually watch the show...but when I do...

This "Seth" character ain't no Pacey, but I'll take him anyway. At least there is no Dawson.

"Ruby Luvs Lambuel!"

I almost forgot. One of my lovely and amazing friends directed me to this website a couple days ago. It has since brought me much entertainment and joy.

I would highly recommend clicking on "Mr. Gruff's" head! If you do, he will disperse jewels like: "I never read the Bible, I like Secular TV instead!" or "Hey kid! Wanna read some Ayn Rand?".

I'm totally buying a "Will You Be My Husband?" thong.

Release the Homemaker.

Today is a busy day. The most productive thing to come out of this busy day up until now is the fact that the den of filth formerly known as my room, is now clean. Like, I vacummed and THEN I MOPPED the floor. Not only is it nice to see my floor again, but it makes me realize that I have a HUGE room.I can rollerskate on my nice mopped floor.

Anyway, I have a meeting that starts at 9:30 tonight -- which will inevitably go 'til 1 or 2am. It's weird because since I got back from break, I haven't gone to bed past 2 (well, except for my first night back when I couldn't fall asleep until about 6:30) or woken up past 8:30. I think this whole late night meeting thing will throw my groove off. Dammit.

This One's for Drew...

I wish to preface this post with the news that I had typed out this nice long post for you all and it got deleted by my computer. Oh the frustration.

Anyway, I apologize for the lack of postage but I had my reasons:

1. I was in the internet-deprived Bahamas and boy was it nice. The water was so blue and the temperature is so not-below-freezing. Plus, it was nice to see the Longs and the Umezakis get along (no pun intended). It was a little weird being there for the holidays since you have no concept of the outside world while on the teensy-tiny island of Man O' War Cay. When my dad tried to purchase the most recent newspaper, he got laughed at for asking for the same day's edition (he ended up with the one from two days earlier). As expected, New Year's was a little weird.

2. Back at School. Granted it's Winter Study and we don't have "real" classes, but now is the time to do all those things that I neglected to do fall semester. Which is a crapload.

3. Cleaning my room. Trust me, it's a time-consuming chore. And if you saw it you would believe me. My room is at the stage of UTTER CHAOS since everything has been emptied from my desk and onto the floor. I'm feeling a tad gross.

So, as promised, I will now share with you my performance on my finals...[suspense]
Paper #1 (10 pager): A
Paper #2 (38 pager): A
Paper #3 (15 pager): B+
Final Exam (total study time: 3 hours): A-

Boo-ya for no sleep and sympathetic profs. Still that was the worst 48 hours of work EVER. As expected I got sick the day I got home -- you know, the post-cram, no-sleep flu...(I really hope none of my profs, or anyone who is invested in my education ever ever sees how awful I am...I'm going to be a teacher next year for cryin' out loud).

ANYWAY, life is good. Although I do wish I could return to the Bahamas. Like, now.

A Pro and Con of Cali.

Let's start with the Con (not the convict sort of cons -- although we have plenty of those). Earthquakes. The one today was surreal in that it was so slow and big. I didn't notice it until I realized that the swivel chair in which I was sitting had done a full revolution. And then it went on...and on...So bizarre, yet slightly fun because there was no earthquake noise which is the worst part of an earthquake (well, not in the big earthquakes, the worst part of a big earthquake is the falling stuff than can crush you). I was riding the earthquake in my chair, and I ended up traveling a few feet from where I started. It wasn't so bad in L.A. as were are almost 200 miles from the epicenter, so it was harmless over here, despite the fact that preliminary findings are saying that this earthquake was bigger than the Northridge one that leveled houses...I hope the news coming out of Paso Robles is relatively good tonight.

As for the Pro (which is pretty out of place now) is the fact that Jamie and I were able to go on a picnic today for our anniversary. In December. Late December. Yay for sun.

But alas, the California sun is not enough. I am heading south to the Bahamas for Christmas with the family. A such, I will be out of updating range for the next week, but do not fret. I will be back with many stories and pictures. Hopefully I will find a way to incorporate them in my blog (without paying too much money). Stay tuned.

And Happy Holidays to all!

Dread.

I am about to enter the final phase of Xmas shopping -- also known as the last minute stage. I am full of dread as I know the mall will be a zoo today. If I'm not out in four hours call a search party.

In other news, I spent "Christmas Eve" with Jamie's family yesterday. Christmas (and it's eve) had to be moved forward a few days because we are all going to be in the Bahamas and lugging all those presents there would just be plain inefficient. I must say it was nice. Jamie's cousin Emily is the cutest thing I have ever seen and is super smart. Her new words for the night included: jaguar, te-dissa (for Melissa), rook, pawn, queen and horsey (we were "playing" chess). Did I mention she's two?? So adorable.

To the shoppery.

"Get 'em Gandolf!"

Today for Jamie's birthday we saw the new Lord of the Rings movie (his choice of birthday activities). I must say it was quite good...just a couple comments: (Slight spoilers warning if you haven't seen the movie yet)

1. What happened to the evil wizard, Soromon? They alluded to him once at the beginning of the movie and that was it. Had I known that he was taken care of at the end of the second movie I would have been more happy at that ending. As it was though, he's just locked up in a tower and forgotten about. He's a wizard. He can find a way out of there.

2. There were like nine different endings there. Apparently, they couldn't pick one. It was still good though -- nice to see what happened to everyone.

3. Legolas/Orlando Bloom is hot.

4. Why do I always always always sit in front of a "talker"? This woman would not shut up throughout the entire movie. It was stuff like: "Jesus Christ that's a big army!" and "Oh my gosh they can't get a break!" and my personal favorite "Get 'em Gandolf!" Shut up lady. There was also a guy who would burst out laughing whenever they showed a hobbit standing next to a normal size person. Because they're so little. Get it? Me neither.

Grade for Return of the King: A
Grade for the running commentary from the woman sitting behind me: D-

Still, that woman is nowhere near as bad as the woman who sat behind me during Chocolat who would explain the jokes behind the lines (i.e. Oh look! The statue is holding a red balloon! It's funny because he was the really strict old mayor, but now everything has loosened up! And so now he's holding a balloon!)

...But Does He Have a Funny Run?

First things first: Happy Birthday Jamie! I know that I'm going to see you in a couple of hours, but I thought I would digitize and immortalize my birthday wishes to you first.

And now for the Rufus update. Jamie and I went to see Rufus in concert last night at the Wiltern. It actually wasn't for Jamie's birthday, but rather for an early celebration of our five-year anniversary. Boy was it good. I know it may seem as though I am obsessed with Rufus since it is the second concert I had seen of his in a month...I just like him a whole lot...maybe I'm just a wee bit obsessed. He actually played the same exact set he had at Smith, but he added a couple extra encores, including one with his father who was in the audience. That was sweet. Rufus was also nervous which was endearing. So, while not as chatty as he was at Smith, the show was still amazing. AMAZING.

I also noticed that Rufus has a funny walk.

Committed.

I somehow managed to land a space on the TFA 2004 corps! [celebrates] I don't know where I will be assigned yet -- that comes in the first week of January -- but I am so, so relieved. I got notification last night upon getting back from San Francisco...I'd like to think of it as a sweet end to a pretty great trip. I woke up this morning with the huge realization that the next two years of my life are occupied now. Holycrap. I also realized that I don't need to apply to law school now. (Sweet).

Did I also mention that Jamie and I had brunch yesterday with really really good banana-nut pancakes and a nice egg scramble. So good. Also, my copy of the second season of Dawson's Creek came in the mail yesterday too. It was a good day for mail. Let's just hope my paycheck is in there now. Time for some xmas shopping.

Then Rufus part deux.

Back to Normal.

I'm back! San Francisco was great, albeit a little cold. Jamie and I got to see a number of great law schools: UC Berkeley, UC Hastings, UC Davis, and Stanford. While this was great for Jamie who has choices among these fine schools -- not to mention who has finished sending in his applications to all these schools -- it was somewhat nervewracking for me...who doesn't (have choices) and who hasn't (sent in applications). Don't tell my dad, but I really have done very little in that direction.

In other news: I'm so sick. Boo. It never fails. Directly after finals I. Get. Sick. [cough]

Pins and Needles.

Today -- the 15th -- is the day that the letters from Teach for America are going out. This probably means I won't hear from them until Wednesday or Thursday since I'm across the country. They have also made it abundantly clear that the notification will be by postal mail, and only by postal mail. These two small facts do not keep me from checking my email every two seconds. Or thinking about calling home to find out if it came in the mail.

I'm in San Francisco right now visiting the brolio and seeing law schools. The brolio is good and the UC Berkeley and UC Hastings are good. Berkeley more so. I'm liking San Francisco.

Anyway I hope that everyone out there is done with their finals and relaxing at home, wherever that may be. I will try and post more often once I get back from San Francisco.

Sin City and Weather Control.

So guess what. I'm home and life is good again. Not that it ever ceased being good...well, except for yesterday morning when I woke up for my final feeling like I was going to vomit everywhere. I guess getting no sleep does make you feel pukey after a couple days. Anyway, the final wasn't so bad...survived it anyway. And then I hopped in the car for Albany Airport.

Everything was pretty sweet until I was delayed in Vegas for two and half hours. I didn't really feel like losing all my non-existent money so I steered clear of the slot machines in that time. But, it did occur to me that every single flight was delayed by at least an hour. Supposedly there was a giant storm over Vegas. I think it's a conspiracy. It is clear that the airport/slot machine typhoons (no pun intended) had constructed some kind of storm machine and were unleashing it last night so that everyone who's flights had been delayed would play their slots in that time. I'm telling you...every slot machine was taken! Mean, greedy slot machine typhoons and their weather control...

The fam is good! Yesterday was my dad's birthday so we had a nice daddy's-favorite-dinner dinner last night...at 10pm. But, now mommy and daddy have taken the weekend off for a romantic getaway! It's a surprise! My dad didn't tell her where they were going! Isn't he cute?!? This means that I'm home alone until Sunday. House party? Come on, Drew...get over here! In actuality, I'm all alone because no one loves me. Maybe I'll do some Christmas shopping.

Home Stretch.

Who's got two thumbs and is not ready for her final in five hours?? [thumb-points to self] THIS GIRL!

The good news is that the next time you'll hear from me, I'll be in lovely California. Sleeping.

Chugga-Chugga-Choo-Choo!

All aboard the all-nighter train!

Paper update: Seven pages complete. I forget how many I have to write, I just know it's more than seven. I'll just keep going 'til I pass out.

Another interesting fact from my paper: Did you know that during the Tobacco Protest (which was mainly women, merchants, and clergy versus the shah for giving the British the monopoly on the tobacco industry), the shah tried to get his harem to smoke cigarettes with him but they said nope: "...tobacco has been boycotted by those who have married us to you". That's pretty kick-ass. Take that shah!

[returns to papering]

Post-Guest Post.

Who knew Jamie had a weird (and somewhat perverted) obsession with elephants. What did you do Jamie? Go to elephantjokes.com? I have one for you:

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, silly! You get down from a goose!

Although, I did like the burning duck joke.

Quick paper update: I finished my psych papers earlier this week...I had a full five hours left when I turned in my empirical project. I pounded out 38 pages in about 10 hours of writing, ya baby. Of course, 8 of those pages were diagrams. And two were references. And one was the title page. But aside from that -- ALL ME.

Now. This paper that I'm working on right now? Not gonna be quite the same. When I woke up this morning I had no topic. I now have an idea for a topic and am just writing. I will finish it tonight. I will not rest until it is done. Because then I have my law exam. And then home! I foresee much sleepage on the plane ride home.

I will share my final grades on this last series of papers with you all. If I fail it'll be much deserved and pretty funny to see how spectacularly I have failed. Wee!

Back to work! But first: did you know that at the turn of the century (the 20th century, silly) it was illegal for women and men to walk on the same side of the street after 4pm in Iran? If a woman needed to cross said street to get to her home or something, she needed to find a policeman first and get his permission. I guess policemen are just asexual. That's just a taste of how fascinating my paper is. You may interpret that as sarcasm depending on whether or not you did actually find that interesting.

Guest Post

Since Melissa will be detained for a few days due to finals, she asked me to fill in. Give her a post of support for her last days of fall semester.

In the meantime, here's a joke to entertain you:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.


-------------------

Don't like that one? Ok, try 2:

How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?
All your Hefty bags are missing.

-----------------

Alright, alright:

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

----------------

Last try:

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because in the animal kingdom, six inches just doesn't cut it.


That's all folks! Wish Melissa luck with finals.

-Jaimito

To my soulmatey...

...Happy Birthday B-dog. May your 20th year be smooth sailing and your booty be bountiful. Yaaaaaaar.

Un-Scrooged.

I can't walk past a window in this house without staring out it for a really long time. And by "really long time" I mean over five minutes...just staring out a window. Now, perhaps this is partially because I have a big, important paper due on Monday that I don't want to write...or maybe it's the other big, important paper I have due next week...or it might even be that big, important final...but really I think it's because Williamstown is so beautiful and I am sad that this will be my last year here.

Everything is covered in a perfect, glittery blanket of snow. Said snow hasn't stopped coming down since last night so you have to understand that it's a pretty ample blanket -- I'm talking feet of snow. Maybe it's the California in me...but I don't think that seeing the world covered in snow can't affect someone. It affects all the senses...everything is silent, smells fresh and clean, the aforemention glitteriness, and the burning cold. It's amazing. Being in a house this year sort of makes it even more amazing...all we need now is a fire. And some hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I walked down Spring Street earlier this evening and there were children being pulled on sleds up and down the street which had been closed for a holiday parade. There were carolers and people just dancing in the street. General merriment. So, while I may be spending my actual Christmas in the Bahamas -- far away from any semblance of a white Christmas -- I think that tonight was my best non-Christmas ever.

Well...aside from the finals thing.

Snow Like Burning (In a Cold Sort of Way).

The winter storm is here! It's awesome! Well, except for the car accidents that are undoubtedly happening because of it. But other than that, it's awesome!

I finished editing my paper at 4:56pm, and had it sent in by 4:57pm, thereby leaving the network a bountiful three minutes to get it to my prof.'s inbox by 5pm. I'm telling you...being a lazy procrastinator is a science and I am Einstein. Okay, maybe not Einstein but he's pretty much the only science genius I could think of since I'm not a science person. I do know about Watson and Crick -- but I don't know their first names and don't want to look completely ignorant...James Watson? Francis Crick? A little help here from my pre-med friends who have failed to post a comment thus far.

Speaking of scientists: a bunch of them did a study to determine the World's Funniest Joke. Apparently, they had some sort of internet lab and had people from all over the world and from all backgrounds read/submit/rate a bunch of jokes. After much painstaking analyzation they came up with a winner:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Let's discuss. Is this joke actually funny? I believe their methods are tainted. I know I have heard funnier jokes than this...but maybe my sense of humor is a little warped. I tend to like kid jokes that are extremely dumb, for example: Q: What did zero say to eight? A: "Niiiiiiice Belt! C'mon that's much funnier. I also have to admit that I enjoy the occasional dead baby joke. Disclaimer: I LOVE BABIES AND LITTLE KIDS. I'm just a fan of simplicity...Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Take your foot of its head. The beauty of that joke is that you can also make a dead baby float by putting a baby in the blender and adding a scoop of ice cream.

Post/Comment your joke that's funnier than the "World's Funniest Joke". Do eet.

False Alarm.

It may not be an all-nighter night after all. I have a little over two more pages left. Thank you ding!

But before I get back to work, I have a short story. Despite the fact that it is in the single digits, butt-ass cold temperatures outside, it is a sauna in my room (I can't close my vents!) and I have the windows open. While I work diligently in my room, I hear some guy outside say: "Dude! It's so cold I just saw your fart!". Let us all say welcome to Winter.

"Where's the Ding?"

Seven hours after sitting down to start my paper, my epiphany lightbulb finally dinged. I now know what I want to write about...don't worry...I wrote about five pages of paper pre-ding. Yes, I know that's bad, but the silver-lining lays in the bull-shitting ability that I have cultivated over my years of schooling. Five pages of writing before I even knew what my topic was.

Shut up.

Progress?

An Update...

Melissa: [staring at screen]
Paper: [sucking]
M: [checks mail]
M: [stares]
M: [typing]...self-expansion model...
P: [sucking]
M: [checks mail]

Anyway, the first meeting for the new JA applicants was tonight. It was so weird standing in front of the room instead of sitting with all the nervous sophomores. Man, time went fast. I'm really looking forward to helping to build the new JA class...never mind the long late night meetings. It's going to be good times.

Maybe I should work on this crap paper. But first, I need to check my mail.

Back in the Saddle Again.

Ladies and Gents. It is time for me to pull off one of my all-nighters. I foresee that this 401 paper is going to be pure gold...a plethora of insight and integrity. So thought-provoking, so masterful. A literary masterpiece. A rollercoaster of emotion and "a drop-dead shocker" and.....snoooooooore.

Did you know that I debated with myself for a good 20 seconds over whether or not to include the word "again" in this post title. Well, I did. And now you have a good idea of how little I want to write this paper.

Oh the Shame.

As part of my birthday festivities last night around 2am, Jamie read me an excerpt from my childhood diary over the phone. This is bad for two reasons: (1) Why on earth does Jamie have my childhood diary and (2) that would make me 9 years old.

CRINGE. While I think the world of him and that he's better than sliced bread and all those other cliche sayings, I have deduced that Jamie must have stolen it from my room and picked the lock (yes, it was one of those with the built in lock). I do not believe that I would have willingly handed it over -- love stupor or not. But, since I know Jamie would never do either of those things...maybe he just got me drunk enough to hand it over.

Needless to say, the entry he read me gushed about my love for Jonathan, the object of my puppy-love at the time, and his new "jerk" girlfriend, and other embarrassing pre-pubescent ramblings.

Promise me I will never look back at this blog with the same shame...

Brain is Out of Order.

I have been "working" on this paper for the past three hours. Did I mention that it was due last night? Shit shit shit.

Friends, this does not bode well for the finals on my horizon.

In other news, I saw a recent edition of People while waiting in an airport that had the "Most Intriguing Hollywood Couples of 2003!!!" Flipping through it I saw a picture of Jake and Kirsten Dunst kissing. That was a little weird. [mock pubescent girl voice] I still say he was hottest in junior high...whatever Kirsten [/mock pubescent girl voice].

This Merits Its Own Post

I forgot to mention that Jess brought a copy of "The Last Unicorn" to school with her.

If only everyone in the world loved me as much as Jess apparently does.

Jet Lag.

Just flew in from Los Angeles late last night (and boy are my arms tired). I have to say I'm not a big fan of the ass-coldness of Williamstown. Also not a big fan of the slippy sidewalk up Hoxsey Street. I almost bit it at least three times on my way to class.

So. Thanksgiving rundown. Man, when did we all get so old? Not only the brolio -- because he's been old for a while now -- but just the fact that everyone at the "kids" table is old. First off...I'm turning twenty-two tomorrow...and while this is not old per se, I don't really have anymore birthdays to look forward to until 60 or 65 when I start getting discounts on my movie tickets as I age "gracefully". As a sidenote I'm totally going to be one of those old women that still laughs at fart jokes.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. But the news at this Thanksgiving were a handful of engagements and we even went to a family friend's daughter's first birthday party. I remember when said family friend was in high school. At this birthday party I had to harbor a bunch of inquiries about my own marital status (that's the second -- and hopefully last -- time I've used that term in this blog)...what is with that?? Still, it's better than brolio who's being pressured by extended family to have kids. Still...it would be pretty cool to have a niece [SHOVE!]. I kidd.

The family is prepping for a trip to the Bahamas with Jamie's family. For some reason I'm not freaking out about this as much as I should. It's a big deal -- I realize this -- since our families will be spending a week together on a small, isolated island with only each other to play with. Not to mention it's going to be Christmas. Still it's the Bahamas. And we're all good people. [Trembles].

Last, I have to warn you about the next's weeks updates. This week is finals week and is crazy. So, there are two paths my posts might take. The first is that I may not post. The second is that I will post, but they will be short and increasingly panicked and incoherent as the true dread of finals sinks in. Then again, the latter might be interesting for you guys. Let's hope for that one.